It’s about 30 minutes after the Winter Solstice now, which means the ancient Mayan calendar has officially ticked over to a new year, and thousands of doomsayers are looking a bit foolish right about now. If you’re one of them, don’t despair: I have the updated doomsdate right here for you.
Yes, that’s right, some Wise Old Ones Who Must Have Known Everything Because They Lived A Long Time Ago and Spoke Cryptically have entrusted me with their Great Secret. I know the true final date, the End of Time, the Last Day.
You see, I bought a date stamp about twelve years ago, and I knew right away that it was more than a mere office supply. Sure, this stamp would let me mark dates on invoices I sent, checks I received, bills I paid, and orders I placed or canceled, but it also encoded an end date. Rather than fill all of the available “year” spaces, the Wise Old Ones filled only a subset of them. Why?
Obviously, they meant to communicate something. And the latest year they included on this artifact was 2013. I can stamp all I like until the final day of the final month of 2013, but after that, nothing. They presupposed that nobody, anywhere, would ever want to stamp anything after that date.
My own random actions since 2000 have decoded the rest of the message, and revealed our civilization’s bizarre fate. I have answered, canceled, billed, charged, checked, delivered, entered, paid, received, and shipped various stampable items over the years, but there is one option that I have never, ever felt the need to exercise. That action is obviously being saved for last. Very last.
Carefully advancing the stamp to its last possible date, and aligning the action wheel to its only un-inked position, I reveal the terrifying truth. On 39 December 2013, the world will be backordered.